What To Say When Someone Has Died.

FibroM.E.-Awesome

It’s been one of those weeks. I realize the title of this post is a little dry, emotionless, business-like even. But I don’t mean it that way. It’s been something I’ve thought and written about before, and in the wake of tragedy the words have been busying my brain. (Hence me writing now, at 3:30 am)

A good friend of mine lost her love suddenly and tragically this week. I hardly knew him at all, but of course in the hazy aftermath of the realization that he’s gone, and the strong sadness I feel for my friend who lost him, we all can’t help that feeling that so often comes in death, sudden or not. He was too young. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Things like this happen to other people. Death is always a knock at someone else’s door. Rarely do we feel accepting when it knocks at our…

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Suicidal Truth

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I woke up today again, whining about how today still exist, blaming God for not making my wish come true. I know, it’s not His fault. In fact, He’s nice enough to give me another day to make it better. But my mind is set. And I’ve decided that today shall be the day. Since God is not going to make it happen, I shall make it happen. 

This is not where I want to be. This is not where I should be. This is not where I see myself standing. I don’t wish to be here. I have never wished to be here. I have never imagined myself standing here. With everything that’s happening, adding up to this, I can no longer stand this life any more.

I’m giving up, I can’t make it any better. I can never make this life any better. Not even close to where I wish my life would be. I gave up. I’ve been trying for the rest of my life but it never pay off. I guess it’s time for me to stop. To stop trying and making effort.

It’s time for me to meet this friend. It’s finally time for us to meet.  This friend used to be an enemy. I have always hated her but today was exception. She seems more important to me than anyone else. I needed her more than anyone else. She’s exceptionally special to me today and it’s about time that I see her as a friend rather than an enemy.

Before meeting this friend of mine, I gave everything I needed to. To make it obvious that I’m meeting this special friend of mine. I left countless number of notes everywhere in the room, sent obvious text messages to my friends and even posted it online.

No response was given. I looked at the time and it was time I meet her. I went out of my house and saw her waiting. As soon as I saw her, I hugged her. She took my hand and brought me somewhere. I wasn’t really paying attention to my surrounding as tears filled my eyes. Never did I realise that I was already standing over the edge of the rooftop of a building until I felt the exceptionally cold wind that kept blowing.

“It’s time.” She said

“Are we going together?” I asked.

She nod and let go of my hand that she have been holding onto throughout the whole journey to the rooftop. I was assured that she will follow me. I emptied my mind and when I was about to take a step forward, I heard someone shouting.

“STOP”

I stopped and stood there for quite some time. But after that, nothing was being said. All I could hear was the strong wind blowing. I hold onto a bit of hope that someone came to stop me. I finally decided to turn around to see who was it but no one was there. They were not even hiding or even making an effort to find me. I looked beside me and could no longer see my friend. 

She lied to me. She said that she will always be there but at that crucial moment, she was not there to assure me. She promised to be with me but she was not there. She was not even hiding. I sat over the edge and cried. I cried myself through the night.

Suddenly I lost my balance. After a while of trying to balance myself, the wind got even stronger. I looked up in the sky and saw the stars filling up the sky that used to be empty. I was enjoying the view until my sight suddenly turn dark…….

Diary Entry – True Thoughts

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Everyday is just simply the same. Nothing change. Since day 1. No, since forever and even tomorrow, it will still be the same. Simply because I’m not putting in any effort. Not even a slightest bit. No matter how much one thing makes me happy on a particular day, my mood will eventually turn sour at the end of the day. 

How have I been spending my time in life for the past few days, weeks, months and even today? 

I’ve been spending every morning, whining to God about how exhausted I am. I’ve been spending every evening in school/work, not faking a smile but just trying to enjoy myself and live like as if it’s my last day. When the night falls, I forget every smiles and laughter and starts complaining to God. I’ll complain about how meaningless my life have been, doing things that I’m not interested in, pleasing others and not myself and being forced into almost everything.

I tell God almost every night to take my life away. I tell Him how sick and tired I am of life, how I can’t stand living this life, faking a smile and acting like I enjoy every bits of it. I’ve been wishing upon a shooting star, wishing that I’d continue sleeping tomorrow, the day after and forever. Still, I don’t think suicide is the right thing to do. 

No, I don’t want to die. I don’t wish to die just yet. I’m not ready to die, not until I become a true loyal Muslim. Pretty contradicting, but I don’t want to die just yet, not until I get married and have kids. I don’t want to die just yet but I no longer want to live this life any more. Oh God, I can no longer stand this life. How I have to force myself to wake up every morning and face all these dramas everyday.

I used to love life. I love life so much that I wouldn’t want to sleep. I wouldn’t even want to blink. But everything change. The day when I first experienced change, the day when I stopped putting in effort, the day I stopped being ambitious, the day I felt hopeless and the day I wished to die. It all happened in just one day. No particular incident caused this to happen. It’s just me.

No, I don’t need serious counselling. I don’t need special help. Not when neither my family nor friends are helping. I don’t blame them for not knowing anything. All of this have got nothing to do with them in the first place. Besides, I’m talking about my life here. Whatever that happens to me, I’ll bear it myself because it’s my life.

My body can no longer bear the soul in me. No matter how much I want to let go of my soul, that’s how much my soul wants to continue living in my body. In other words,

I don’t want to die but I can no longer live this life

Have never been somebody

Allah sure is fair. I receive what I deserve and I’m reacting the way they deserve. Such small issues happened and everything changes. Just because I can’t meet others expectation of me, they have to treat me like some outsider. Is that how things should be like? I guess I really deserve it huh.

It can never be the same again.
I will never be the same, nor will you be the same.

False Hope

After what you’ve been through, after all the hard times I put you into, I knew there’s no such place for me. In your heart was not where I belong.

But after getting all the text messages, I gained confidence. Every text messages I received made me feel like you’re already mine. Every words you sent gave me hope. It gave me the strength to live.

I threw away all my dreams because deep inside, you’re the only one that I want. My life would be complete with you here by my side. But I thought I’d never stand a chance to win you.

But you told me that you’ll give me a chance. I never understood what that chance was for and what I should do to make full use of that chance. But with that chance, I tried my utmost best to win your heart.

It made me feel like I was getting closer and closer to my dream. And each day, I got even stronger and my confidence rise as I see that dream right in front of me.

They said that once we have a dream, grab it, hold it tightly, protect it and treasure it. As I saw the dream right in front of me, I tried grabbing it. I got it, I hold it, protect it and treasure it deeply.

Suddenly, that dream pushed me away. It was indomitable. It went further and further away and vanished into thin air. I left in despair.

One day, I saw you with someone else. You told me that you’ll give me the chance but do you even mean it? I thought you were true but I was wrong.

I was wrong to trust you. What would I do now? How do I live? With no dreams and life, do I even have a future? I gave you a place in my heart, I made you my dream and life but you did nothing in return.

Despite that, being able to see you happy, smile and laugh, I can’t help it but to do the same. I was happy to see you smile but I dont know why that it hurts me deep inside.
I don’t feel regret. I will never regret. But don’t you feel bad? Because…………

My dream, my life, my everything….. are no longer mine.

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